I think I have about six other websites floating around in cyberspace; unused, untouched, and unloved. I promised myself this time that I would stick with this. This will be the one. This will be my blog, my beautiful blog that I will love unconditionally. I just hope I follow through with my promise.
I’m not sure if it’s laziness, or an actual problem that can’t be controlled, but I have the amazing talent to start things and never finish them, almost as if it’s the fresh start that I need rather than a concrete outcome. And don’t say to yourself that it’s a phase, because believe me, if you knew me when I was four you would be concerned as to why I had seven colouring books all with unfinished drawings. Or why I would impulsively cut my hair every 6 months to the day (which I still do), or why I hap-haphazardly write to-do lists on ripped pages of my notebook just to impress myself about how busy I am and complete none of it.
Since the day I can remember being able to realize things about myself, I’ve always known I was a big-picture kind of gal. Feeling sick to my stomach when responsibility knocked on my door. Feeling scared when I had to focus on the details. And since that day, I’ve known there’s something that I possess that is bigger than myself. And that only time will allow it to reveal it’s self to me when I need it the most. There’s something I need to realize so that my laziness can be justified, because I know it’s not who I really am, it’s just that it’s not my time just yet.
I’m a natural born leader, and I know that now. However with any life comes many variables that can muddy up a true concentrated form of any personality, leaving you blinded when you look inside yourself. Unable to see past the ego, and the sadness and the negativity, and the words you heard when you were a child from people telling you that you have ‘potential,’ but you’re still not good enough… even though you thought you did your best.
And it dawned on me. These very words just came to me – purpose without practice is futile. You may have a calling, you may know your concentrated self at the core, but unless you put it to use, it’ll rust.
And no ones purpose should rust under heavy black clouds of doubt.