From the Inside Out

As we grow our skin gets thicker, our minds get wiser (hopefully), our laughter lines become wrinkles, our furrowed brows retreats, we let in the good and the bad with open arms, and we know that tomorrow is just another day.

Adolescence to a geriatric life is a transition I am not yet familiar with. However, you can’t blame me for premeditating the events that may unfold as I go. In the meantime, there are a few things holding me back from living in the now, obstacles hindering me from my fullest potential.

Let’s start with a few you may be familiar with.

1. Anxiety

It eats away you, it keeps you awake at night, it’s begs for reassurance, it keeps you in the dark. In plain, it’s really freaking annoying. Do you not sometimes wish you could live a day without worry or doubt causing sharp pains in your side? What a life that must be like.

2. Saying No.

I just can’t do it. The need to please is too strong. For some it may be to preserve an image, it may be out of the kindness of their hearts. For me, it’s to get credit and rack up brownies points so others will feel obliged to do things for me when I need it.

3. Not knowing what makes you happy

Does anyone really know what makes them happy? Some people would say sports, some people would say music, others writing, and even as a writing enthusiast, I can’t even agree.

Now, there is a reason behind this rant rather than to invite you all to my pity party (there will be free food). What i’m trying to get at is the fact that a life cannot be lead with a blind mind. It makes sense, just think about it.

Imagine that you’re in a car, it’s raining and the windshield is fogging up. You put on your wipers and they’re barely making seeing any easier. But you keep going anyways. You can imagine the road, you can always see it. You can keep straight and be safe, you just have to be cautious.

I feel like that’s how many live their lives. Nothing is ever really clear to you, your brain fogs up, lines blur, but you keep going. Because you know that it’s a life that you have and you’re content. You coast as the days toss you around. You imagine a life, you keep straight and be safe, and you just have to be cautious and you will always get forward. Always.

But is that really a life?

So it starts; my journey to relinquish my anxiety. By saying NO, by staying comfortable, and by not doing what I do not want to do. Hopefully by the end of it i’ll have a better understanding of what exactly I am here for.

I’ll keep you posted.


Devil in the Details

I think I have about six other websites floating around in cyberspace; unused, untouched, and unloved. I promised myself this time that I would stick with this. This will be the one. This will be my blog, my beautiful blog that I will love unconditionally. I just hope I follow through with my promise.

I’m not sure if it’s laziness, or an actual problem that can’t be controlled, but I have the amazing talent to start things and never finish them, almost as if it’s the fresh start that I need rather than a concrete outcome. And don’t say to yourself that it’s a phase, because believe me, if you knew me when I was four you would be concerned as to why I had seven colouring books all with unfinished drawings. Or why I would impulsively cut my hair every 6 months to the day (which I still do), or why I hap-haphazardly write to-do lists on ripped pages of my notebook just to impress myself about how busy I am and complete none of it.

Since the day I can remember being able to realize things about myself, I’ve always known I was a big-picture kind of gal. Feeling sick to my stomach when responsibility knocked on my door. Feeling scared when I had to focus on the details. And since that day, I’ve known there’s something that I possess that is bigger than myself. And that only time will allow it to reveal it’s self to me when I need it the most. There’s something I need to realize so that my laziness can be justified, because I know it’s not who I really am, it’s just that it’s not my time just yet.

I’m a natural born leader, and I know that now. However with any life comes many variables that can muddy up a true concentrated form of any personality, leaving you blinded when you look inside yourself. Unable to see past the ego, and the sadness and the negativity, and the words you heard when you were a child from people telling you that you have ‘potential,’ but you’re still not good enough… even though you thought you did your best.

And it dawned on me. These very words just came to me – purpose without practice is futile. You may have a calling, you may know your concentrated self at the core, but unless you put it to use, it’ll rust.

And no ones purpose should rust under heavy black clouds of doubt.